Love as You Get Older

One thing I can definitely say about getting older is that your view on love totally changes. As children, especially us girls, we are mystified by princesses and fairy tales. As pre-teens we think the opposite sex is cute and often make innocent naive remarks about kisses and such. As teens we try so hard to fluff our peacock feathers and almost have a sun-dappled approach to love because we were given rose colored glasses to where. We soon learn that love is rough and crude as teens. unless we are lucky enough to have a smooth ride. Many of us don't get much of a ride and the rough and tumble ins and outs of relationship sociability may never come and so we are left with the want of a relationship when no one looks our way and thus self-esteem takes a hit. With it we can't understand why it happens and feel less than. As adults we try to take a more mature route to love and honestly in our twenties we make the most mistakes. We may marry and have kids once or twice. Then after that we develop an insight to love. Some of it universal to others' and some of it personal and relative to our selves.

For me, this is how it went. If it isn't you and love has been much kind to you in life, count yourself lucky. Growing up I had the typical presentation to all of it. Though oddly I was never the kind to think of that magical day and have a scrap book. It just never happened. But I did hope for the wondrous embracing love I read about and saw in movies. Though I had it rough. I was teased immensely as a child for being different. In fact, I recall rocks being thrown at me once. Boys teased me during dances. Fake little notes crept into my locker and were placed on my desk.  I created my own world in my head of love. But it wasn't easy. Coming from a broken home I was one of many who saw how much fighting was involved in relationships present and past. I tried my best to learn from this and not carry on the legacy of what my parents did. However, in spite of all this one, thing stuck out in my mind and would play a major key truth in my life the older I got, I had put some coins into one of those old machines that told your weight but also told you about how much of a love life you would have based on your birth information. I was given over and over again one answer: that I would experience many loves in my life but very few true ones. I remember being frustrated about this because I really wanted love in my life through all that teasing I received. It did nothing for my esteem and only amplified my feelings of low self-worth.

I grew. As we all do. I went through five relationships as a teen and have so far gone through three as an adult. The ones as a teen, well, one at least was a typical outcome. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, girl doesn't want to give up herself to the first boyfriend, boyfriend dumps her and rumors began. The next boyfriend was the same. Only now he regrets how he treated me (it's amazing how maturing instills a since of humility in some). Then came boyfriend, of whom mothers everywhere fear. The older boyfriend (by five years I recall) who has a not-so-good rep. He was very attractive. But he was very into himself and the relationship ended, well, mostly on a mutual parting. I can't describe it in any other way. After him came the boyfriend mothers love. A JROTC but very eager to join the Navy and become a MP. We are still friends now and he isn't an MP but did join the service. He had manners and everything a Texas boy should be made of. In the end, he felt it best to break up and did it the mature way. He talked to me and didn't just drop the bomb. I will tell you this right now, it is better to to talk about it then to just do it. In very rare cases do you just leave. I did care about him but now am happy that he is happy. Then came a boyfriend I will never forget. I fell totally hard for the guy. We had an interesting relationship that I shall not describe so as not no offend involving parties. But I loved him greatly. He was a former Marine, six years my senior with dark blond/brown hair and these dark eyes. Mom thought he was a bit weird but she liked him. I knew why he left and I couldn't really blame him. It wasn't his fault and I hold no grudge. But I never, EVER forgot. the last time I saw him he was walking down the side of the road headed somewhere and I waved to him as I passed by with my parents. I was just about to be 18 at the time.

Then I was single for three years. I didn't date, I didn't flirt. I didn't do anything and didn't want a relationship. I finally went on a few dates and in the end I has made the mistake of my first personal encounter with a guy I thought liked me. I regret the whole night and truly wish I had never done it. But what can you do? I was hurt. I went on one more date with a sweet guy from the theater. But nothing clicked. It was my fault really. I made another mistake of going for a guy that would later become my husband and father of two of my children. The marriage would be more than a bust. It would be a scar defining moment in my life that I still am healing from to this day. I am now married but stuck in something I can only describe as a want of someone from my past and an inability to remove myself from my present.

Now, before I go into detail and then describe what I have come to be my thoughts on love now that I am in my thirties, let me say that I fear both parts of my situation. Because love has never been easy for me. I fear wanting someone from my past because I can't be sure of how it will go and I don't want disappointment anymore. I would rather break my own heart than go through it and to have it done by someone else. I have the inability to remove my self of my present because of fear as well. I fear somehow a mistake might be made. It has always been like me to love and care too much and it holds me back. The fork in the road has too many cracks on either side.

I found myself last night watching Shakespeare in Love and thinking about who I had seen it with originally. My heart ached painfully in hurt and painfully in bliss. Today I had to tell myself to break my own heart because before I could ever do anything, I had to work on a few things in my own life before making any rash moves. Not that I don't care about the person from my past. I am happy they have made an appearance in my life. He is the man that I had loved so dearly. The one who my mom didn't mind despite his . . . uniqueness. Which he still holds. I still love and care about my husband now. Very much. Yet he also holds himself back so much it hurts me. This is a very personal blog post. I hope it reaches those of you in a open-hearted manner.

Now, what I have learned about love is that it is never easy. Maybe for some but they just got lucky. Also, I have learned that just for me, love will never be as kind as I had hoped for and that sometimes I have to break my own heart just to save face. I do it almost everyday now. Because in my present moment, if I don't I will only keep on with factors that serve me no purpose and only hurt. As for my past, I cherish it with everything I have because it taught me a lot. I guess I am not so worried that love will never work out for me because it is part of who I am. Still, it fuels my book. Makes for a good read if you ask me because it is so bittersweet.

I hope those of you who read this, have love that is deep and warm and true. I hope you don't have to break your own heart.