The 30's Crisis

You hear about the mid-life crisis and you know about the teen age dilemma of trying to find out where you fit in society. You may also know of that childhood struggle as to how you can be more grown up then you are because you admire a few of the "big people". What I never understood was why women of certain age lied about their true age and why on one episode of 'Friends' all the members of the group had a break down of some sort when they realized that they were thirty. I have met a few people who, when they turned thirty, cried their eyes out for some reason or another. So, now that I am thirty, I have just recently, in the past few days, began to feel a depression that is much different what I have previously felt at various points in my life thus far. And it is not like anything I have read via the Internet. I don't necessarily feel at a crossroads and wonder if the life I am leading will amount to anything. I don't feel my biological clock ticking as I already have kids and unfortunately am already going through an early onset of perimenopause. In all honesty, while I don't feel that ominous fork in the road (I already felt that two years ago and it spurred me to finish my education which began as a major in English Education to Nuerological Psychiatry as inspired by my middle child who has a multitude of disabilities; one being Autism), I do feel that I am a bit hopeless as to trying to make it to the end result.

I know I have to go through the motions. This is where I hate being. I understand that the experience will be something I reflect on and will value. I just don't want to go through it. So, in some respect, as with some of the so-called symptoms, I want to get away from everything. This isn't possible. The one core belief I have is that you can't run from your responsibilities when you feel that if you do, then everything will fall apart and wont be as you would like it. So you have to do it yourself. That's the part driving me mad on a small slice of how I am feeling. I am the only one doing anything. I want the end result without going through everything, Especially on my own. Yet, I worry that I don't want it. I still don't feel that this a fork in the road for me. I don't feel that I have to choose. I simply feel like not walking.

One other aspect I feel now is that I wish I could go back and live my twenties the way I had originally planned it.and still get the same kids I have now, just later. My plan when I was 19 was to attend college for one year in BSU (Boise) then get transferred to Exeter University in Exeter, England  spend three years there and do a winter course in another European country. I thought of either Rome, Italy or St. Petersberg, Russia.  I would return to England finish my doctorate. I wanted to major in History to become an archaeology. From there on I wasn't sure if I would stay in Europe or return the America.

Life turned me to not enroll in college. I worked as a janitor at a mall, met my future ex-husband at an elevator, had kids starting at age 21 (I wouldn't actually buy alcohol until age 23), move in with my mother with the kids after two and one half years of marriage, only to move out and to another state because my ex was exhibiting characteristic behavior that was that of a stalker posing potential threat to my kids as well as to me. Things happened that I still have trouble being open about and hate talking about and am very sensitive to. I met my current husband for the third or fifth time in the landlords office of my old apartment complex, the relationship has been very rocky but still stands. I have a third child and attend school at Western Wyoming Community College. I have a trailer which is a one up from an apartment. The downside is that I still don't have an incredible amount of income as an Event Specialist ($13/hour). I have no car because the last one was beyond my financial resources to repair and I have not good enough credit to get a loan to put a down payment for a newer used vehicle nor enough income for auto dealerships' likings to make monthly payments. I do pretty much all of the housework, I take care of the kids (one of which lives with my parents in another state and that is a long story), I am the only one working and going back to school. I never have the chance to get out and have a drink or go tot he movies for a date night. My friends are nil and that doesn't exactly bother me as drama is something I stay away from now. Plus, I have the hard time trusting people and am picky about who is and isn't my friend.

So, how does this all lead to me missing what I used to have? I feel that I took for granted the livelihood of being in my early twenties. You are practically smothered in the face with the ostentatious-ness and vitality of the twenties with the movies. Just watching a preview to 'Noobs' or '21 and Over' had me thinking not only the stupidity of the things we do when we are in our twenties but how important they are in our growing being. We take so much for granted when we are that age and we totally ignore what older people tell us when they say, "You know, acting like that doesn't make you an adult." Which I find myself saying to many young people now. Which I guess is the point in some respects. Acting like the complete idiot you can be without full adult supervision and still saying, "But I'm not a kid anymore." I guess what I am trying to say is that I miss have less responsibilities and yet I am happy to have them and feel stuck between want and what is needed because of what I have created for myself. I'm also not excited about getting older and feel comfortable lying about my age now. Though for some odd reason people still think that I am not thirty. Some say 21 and others question if I am even legal. My response: WTF?

One way I feel like I am trying to make up for those years I missed out on is by dying my hair, getting an edgy no asymmetrical hair cut, piercings, and mature yet young clothing style. I want to feel like a Mom, act like a 21 year old, and look like a hard working citizen that is maybe 25. You can see where I don't want to walk and yet have to. Like I said, I don't feel like I have a choice to make with this. I just want to merge it together so I don't have to.

Which brings me to wanting end results and not wanting to experience the motions. I want to have a good life for my kids. Granted many my age have already achieved this. It's like I grew up but properly. I became a parent and a wife but I didn't first go through the stages of college and a good job before getting the position of a wife and mother. Which in all logic is the best way to go about it. Hell, I still don't have a licence. I can just hear you gasp now. Believe me I tried when I was sixteen. I had the check for payment in my hand but they decided to become booked for the class. I tried again when I was 17/18 but it was the wrong time of year and class had already begun. I tried again 6 years ago, paid $300 and got 12 hours in but still need work because I am blind in one eye and deaf in one ear. I also tried two years ago, I had my permit and a car, but the lessons are not affordable and you HAVE to take the class before getting lessons where I live now. I don't need the class and can't get the lessons. My husband didn't really teach me. He was too lazy to and no one else gave me the time. Just before I sold the car, I was driving a bit everyday. Besides this, back on the subject; One result I would like to have to get my Autistic daughter more help and to have her more self-sufficient. I know she wont be like everyone else her age socially or possibly mentally. I just want her to be able to do things herself. I want her to feel like she isn't different. She hasn't figured out that she will feel that way the older she gets. Thank God. It just tires me out to make everything routine. I can't break away from it. I know it is a good things and helps her progress. I just want the result now.You could say it's being selfish and you would be right. This is just one of the end results I want but don't want to go through the motions of achieving.

But this is allI can write for now. Life calls me and I had better get to it. I want to write more.